GOODBYE YEAR 2010,
WELCOME YEAR 2011.

Amazingly, this blog has finally a new skin. :)
I know I won't be updating this blog, so ya.
You can choose to fck off or else stay put and read what's in here.
Practically there's nothing, so you decide what you want.
Haha, if you really want to read a blog of mine.
Visit,
www.moifragileheart.blogspot.com

All That Are History, Only The Next Shall Experience That

This post is actually from my 1st blog (: Well, I think I wish to write in both because it carries a deep meaning for me and a BIG lesson learn (: Well, I've grown up what :D LOL I kept saying -.- Hmm read lerh, tell me comments norhhhh :D heehee!

How much do you know the words you say on that pierce into my heart really deeply?
How much do you know my heart was cracking so much in silence?
How much do you know I really loved you so deeply the period of time we are together?
How much do you know everything was just so damn important to me?
How much do you know every word I argue back with you brings great courage?
How much do you know to be with you, I risked everything out the other time?
How much do you know I rather trust you than trust anyone else?
How much do you know my love for you is real, not reel?
How much do you know every little things you did, its unforgettable?
How much do you know I yearn to see your smiles regardless we are attached or not?
How much do you know I really treated you as my past, my present and my future?
How much do you know moving on requires a large amount of courage?
How much do you know everything is remembered and forcefully bid goodbye month(s) ago?

I once loved a man. A man who I know I really loved alot, one who really made me moved on from those memories of my first love. I admitted I tried steading with guys to forget my first love. I tried so hard, yet I fail miserably. I fail so miserably then I thought love is just fake, nothing at all. But then a man just entered my life, entered my life and let me know that my first love will be forgotten. I tell myself to give him a chance. I really did give him a chance. Unknowingly, he successfully entered my heart in the right way. The way which I wanna be loved and love. He was the man. The man who made me feel like someone who deserved to be loved. My first love was forgotten, I begin my love with that man. That man, who I know I have no worries to be with.

I don't mind waiting for him while he's overseas attending to stuffs.
I don't mind going down to find him despite how far it is.
I don't mind doing just anything for him except THAT despite I almost gave in.
I don't mind knowing that I gotta share him with another woman.
I don't mind giving him freedom as long as he's faithful.
I just don't mind anything. He has proven to me his worth, his love which I can give a total 1oo% For that, my love for him is geniune. Our last meeting when we are together was New Year Day. The day which he make me the happiest girl, by bringing me to watch the FIREWORKS. Every girl yearn to have some surprises by their love. Every moment we spend together, I put a total 1oo% heart into it. I never doubt him despite there are times which we almost broke up, due to some external factors. But he proved to me, he will be back. He's the man I can wait. I love this man for who he is. I love him the way he was towards me. I just willing to give my heart for him.

When we kissed, our lips meet each other. I felt heaven, a feeling which I know its the type of "Only for him, no others".
When we hugged, our bodies upon each other. I felt safe, a feeling which I know its just so warm and irreplaceable which only he can give.
When we held hands, our hands crossed. I felt protected, a feeling which I know its just that security that I want, that I will never get lost upon having those hands.
When we talked, our conversations start. I felt loved, a feeling which I know its just so addictive which leads me to can't resist to put down the phone.
When we bited, our teeth clashed. I felt cherished, a feeling which I know its just solemnly belonged to him and him.
Those feelings of what I have with that man is enough to make me last for a lifetime. I am not saying that its addictive but he let me learn alot. Letting me to truly experience what is love all over again. A love which I know I don't wanna lose. Nothing is impossible. With him around by my side, I know no troubles will come upon, nothing will hinder my way. The man of my dream. I always thought we belong together. Together always, in each other's hearts. Closing my eyes, I dream of the way I slept on his shoulder. Those warmth and unforgettable feelings. I admit he made me love more than the first love. Yes I do love my first love alot, but then the man who I truly loved 2nd made me moved on, believe in a future with him. Loving him was enough, that's all I ever asked for. Nothing went wrong till 2O Jan'2oo8 which he mentioned the word that I never wanna hear at all. He asked for a break, a break which I didn't expect. The man I loved is going to be history, he and I ended on 2o Jan'2oo8 1211am. The love story ended. Ended. We no longer can go out on dates, hugg in public, kiss in public, hold hands in public, talk daily on the phone, bite each other. It is really a goodbye. I tried to hard to salvage the sudden breakup. But tears streamed down on the 2nd day. I cried alot, seriously alot. More than ever. The man I loved is gone, really gone. I tell myself, that it is a goodbye, but I couldn't face it. Too painful, too hurting. Tears flooded my house for 3 weeks straight. Meals getting from 14 to less than 5 a week. I couldn't bring myself to know anything. I only know I want him back, but it is impossible. The 3rd day of our break, I went down to find him. Find that man. I gave him the card I made, I gave him all the things I prepared. Tears just can't stopped flowing down. I know nothing can bring him back, but thoughts of him kept coming back. Although there are times we talked but my heart will miss him alot upon the memories we shared. I tried so hard to move on, but I know I was living in denial. Everytime I hear him with that other girl I was sharing the other time, my heart asks me alot of questions. I have no answer to any of them. Yet I just say, shutup. Going down to find that man, but he never once appeared. I didn't care much, but just making the effort. Finally courage bucks me, I went to talk to that girl. That girl I have to share.

Posing as someone I am not.
Turning into someone I am not.
Naming myself as someone I am not.
Suppressing all feelings to be someone I am not.
Lying of someone who I am not.
It was really tough to be someone I am not. Being someone that has to suppress all her feelings for the man she loved. I talked to her! HER. Yes. I always taught she is going to hate me for all but she didn't. She befriended me, but I realized I was partly the cause of their break. CAUSE. I hated myself like hell. But she persuade me not to hate myself. Slowly, I still do emo over that guy but I controlled alot. But eventually, I managed to stop saying about him once in awhile. I did mention to her before I accidentally revealed my identity, I am someone who is not that simple. Seriously, I was an ex, am I suppose to say that? I am not simple in that sense. I just know I couldn't say I am his ex. I want them to last, not break because she knows there is another girl involved when me and him begin. I know consquences will come, but I believe in myself. One month of friendship with her was great. But on the other hand, I do worry for her. Worry for every little things, but then I couldn't do anything. I don't know what to say. I think alot, but who knows I think alot? Our friendship ended due to some circumstances. It really ended, like what my cousin said. Cried. But it is still gone. I know nothing can bring anything back cos the past is the past. But I know some stuffs can be back if it is fated to be yours. Later, the man I truly loved found out. Both of them patched back. My heart was moving on, not bleeding as much as I know as I would usually. I give my sincere blessings once and again when they patch. Congrats again. I don't hate her for all that. I don't hate him for all that. But I hate myself to not moving on early enough. A big commotion happen upon that. He hated me, she hated me for unknown reasons? Story was manipulated. Then eventually, a big quarrel and all happened. Until soon enough much talking, we finally met up with them. Met up to get truth. But in the end, truth didn't come out but some other truth come out instead. I found out stuffs which I know it takes me a period of time to be fully healed. A period of time.

You are playing with my heart
You have never truly deeply loved me like the way I does
You just want some entertainment
You were never seriously in love with me
You begin with me because you want to have fun
You toyed my heart like some pawn in a chess game
You left me because you never loved me
So much for everything. All the things I believed in are just mind games that you played with me. Those bits and pixels of our memories are just fake. I am just someone who can throw, toy, play, thrash anytime you want. My heart bleed profusely upon hearing it, but I control my tears. No point crying yet I learnt alot of things. I seriously learnt alot. Learn many valuable lessons. I don't deny that you are the guy I really loved after my first love. Until now, I can admit, I did love you once. ONCE. I have moved on. Moving on requires a super long time, but then I know that as long as I have confidence and hope in myself, I will step out of the darkness which I did. The moment you say, "I was just playing" wakes me up. All those memories are just ONCE memories. I bid them goodbye. Neither I hate nor I love you, because I choose to only thank you for all those memories. No point hating or loving. Because my heart just felt a sense of enlightment on that day. Nothing came out, but truth from your lips. All I can ever say now is I have moved on, without you I believe my life will be better than anything else. My longest ex. Thank you. Memories are just going to disappeared into thin air. I will treat it as only lessons and tell others, not mourn and cry all over again. Thank you for letting me learn alot of things. Goodbye my <3 I guess it marks the end, no more blogging about you and her, but just my thoughts. Seriously, if there is a chance anyone see this, put yourself in my shoes. Feel what you feel and tell me. Is love just a play? Or what is love to you all? Answers are what I want to hear from others. Stop telling me that it will hurt, but specify and all.

Labels: Because I am one of them

Wellwell, :D Anyone missing me? Haha I have decided to write inspirations today! Because tomorrow is the showdown, I guess. =/ I don't know what is running inside me, but I just wanna vent it out. Maybe my inspirations can say what is in me, or else telling to people? I don't know! Sometimes, just typing cures my inner heart (: Well, do endure the lengthy post I am going to write. I am just that lengthy (: Cannot be helped derh! =/ And I just kanna a damn cough yesterday! How suayyy!

Yesterday was 12 May 2oo8,
My first time not msging you on every 12th
After midnight passed,
My heart tells me that,
This time round YOU are seriously gone
Far away from my inner heart.
I no longer desire for your return like always
I just sense that,
Upon not msging,
I let go a burden that I should let go long ago.
Yes my loss for losing that happiness,
But then now I attain more happiness
Upon your departure
Your pressence and without your pressence
Leads me to many different stuffs
Growing up has become a journey which I enjoyed alot
My bleeding heart doesn't bleed for you anymore.
But is my true heart saying that?
I don't know
But I know my brain is over you
Really over, because it no longer beat so much like last time
And my heart just wishes you & her last very long
Because seeing the one you love being happy,
Makes one's soul calm and at ease

Well, I guess yesterday I just felt so free upon not msg-ing him. I know I have been constantly when for the last 4 months. But finaly on 12 May'2oo8, I really stopped, stopped msging the man who I truly loved so much. I guess its time to just declare, he live his life, I live my life, we have nothing to do with each other anymore!



I see frowns in people's faces
Yet I don't feel anymore frowns in my face
Am I weird?
It has been ages since I last sobbed.
Tears are just no longer there
What will I cry the next time?
What will I sob for the next time?
Everything just happens a reason,
Like I know XinmiaoXINGAN
Like I slack with DiniCAT
Like I msg-ed with HaruhiiBESTIE,
Like I miss everything.
Everything just happens,
But then will I be emo again?
It has been so long since I really get teary and sobby?
What has turned into me?
I have no idea,
But I just wanna be a ordinary person again
Because I feel weird, someone who I don't know myself

Lately, my emotions have become so numb. Even sometimes I feel angry and pissed, but I don't know why. I have emotions for no unknown reasons. Does it mean I am weird or am I free? Free with unhappiness? Life is just filled with so many things, sometimes I just felt so confused with what am I doing. I have my life, but do everyone treasure their live.



Natural disasters strike anytime it wants
When it strikes,
It just take away so many lives
Why do people truly die?
I know there are diseases,
But why do those who have not seen the light died?
I pity people,
And I want to do something about it
But pride brings me down
Pride delays my path
Because of pride, I scare this and that
I hate myself to always use pride.
I don't want to, but I can't help it.
I know my ownself, but then I can't control myself.
Growing up learnt more stuffs.
But will it be more unhappy stuffs or happy stuffs?
I hate sad, I hate happy
But then I love to use them alot
Does it imply I am mad?

Words, just kept typing non stop -.- Goshie! I think I am jumbling PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING!! -.- Okays.



Define love please
I can't stand to keep hearing
Love = Sex
I see people losing their virginity to the man they love
And they are so young.
Why is it a MUST to lose it?
Does it really mean something to guys and girls this days
I hear too much
And I can't stand but slap faces
If by losing it can withstand a relationship,
Is that considered as love already?
I can't stand it anymore.
Porn, sex what are all this
I am tired of hearing all this
People wanting love because friends got love
People losing their virginity to prove their loved ones they really love
People doing stuffs just to have entertainment
What is turning to people this days
Sometimes even by closing eyes,
I can also hear
Acting dumb is one thing,
But then sometimes knowing too much can make one pissed off

Well I found out too many stuffs liao -.- But then, I get over it lerh :D just unhappy why people lose lose lose as if fun fair liddat. -.- Aiya. Must think twice sia! kkays, I am lazy to blog lerh. I end it off with something bah (:

Heys Faith&&Jordan, if you guys ever see this. Tomorrow is going to be the day. I don't know what is running in you guys' heads. But then I can confirm I don't know what is going to happen ><" Me and my friends will be there. Hopefully things do get better tomorrow. Worst to worst, friends no more =/ I don't know. Well just last long and be the happiest steady I know :DD

Labels: As I know my heart no longer have you

Now playing: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Seventeen Ain't So Sweet
via FoxyTunes

Wellwell, been so long since I last updated my blog. I guess, I am feeling abit moody now, so I wish to take the chance to update this blog. I know hardly people visit this blog, so I hope to take this chance, I guess. I don't like keeping so much emotions inside my heart.

Why didn't he knows how much I love him?
Why didn't I see his true colours like earlier?
Why didn't I reject from the beginning?
Why didn't I be smart to see his true colors?
Why didn't I move on faster?
Why didn't I do what is right from the beginning?
Why didn't I love someone else instead of him?
Why didn't I hate him for all the faults he did?
All the why didn't is just due to one reason, just one reason to say it all out, it is because I love this man alot. Just one simple meaning of I love him say all the answers, I ask each single part of my body. My mind hates him, my heart just loves him. But seriously, I have grown up and seen but just until now I still don't hate him at all. What is in me, is NOT hatred, its something NOT love either. I feel alot confused. But then, he cheated me just like that, and I just kept my mouth shut, let all the pain in me. WHY?! Seriously, I have so many things to tell him, but his just simple, WHATEVER says he doesn't care, he doesn't bother, he doesn't give a damn, he doesn't know, he doesn't ask. This man is obviously doesn't deserve my love but then, I can't bring myself to LOVE him at all. I feel so dots. I don't hate, I don't love yet all I know is he's just a guy who deserves it all. I don't know how much God knows what am I trying to say, but doesn't he know that, all the feelings in me when I stead with him, rather than saying me this and that. I just felt like being cheated until I don't want to care anymore but my sixth sense is still caring!



What's done cannot be undone,
The past is the past,
Goodbye to the past that I must bid farewell
People taught me how to forget the past
I don't give a damn on the past,
But the past brings back so many unforgettable stuffs,
Like a flim, a movie
Of only you.
You are the director of the movie,
Once the movie comes to an end,
It is the day when you die.
The movie is all about your life journey.
You are the main character and the director.
But you never know what is happening
But you create your life.
Time can never be rewind,
Everytime you think back,
You just cry and get sad all over again
What's the point of being sad if you don't learn.
I can't help it but ask this to everyone and myself.
Why do we have to suffer?
Suffering helps but sometimes suffering brings one to an end.
The movie consists of everything,
Simply everything.
Teach me to face this back of the movie as something I can treasure alot



Why do people cry for sad things?
Why do people do self multilation?
Why do people rather be sad than happy?
Why do people just so selfish?
Why do people live your life just like that?
Why do people misplace trust so easily?
Why do people have friends?
Why do people emo until they dare to do anything?
Why do people rather hate than forgive someone?
Why do people believe in supersitious stuffs?
Why do people gets so unhappy with themselves?
Why do people remember one's faults than their good deeds?
Why do people love to have sex and have fun, rather than to love?
Some questions which I want to ask people and needed clarification. I am sick of seeing all this yet I want answers, why why why. I know no one has an answer, but I make an effort to ask. An effort to know, but who will provide me the answer?

:DD I guess that's all, I don't want be emo liao ^_^ heehee. BYEEE :D

Labels: Because you are more important than anything else